The View From The Afternoon

So, she leaves in June, not August. Two months. Allow me to do nothing about that whole thing, then. Bleh.

Still, moving on.. in all my time at Roys (dammit), you'd have thought I'd have experienced everything by now. All the complaints the customers could come up with.. all the petty staff arguments.. all the random things that would cause discussions to become uncivil.. all the seventeen year old innocent coworke- wait, no.



Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, NO! Today, a whole new customer type was born! This type is not the common drunk, whom you get about six of a day. Nor is it the 'I know my rights!' handbag woman, or the old guy who can't hear a word you say. This customer is henceforth christened:

The numpty

Let's take you back to about 3:40pm. I am on the kiosk, doing what I do best - lottery tickets, refunds, and selling alcohol to three year olds. It's a hard life. A guy comes into my queue, fourth in line.. behind the cute woman who used to work at the Uni newsagent, foreign lady and random guy. As I serve the cute woman and try to avoid looking at her breasts, I notice the new guy is being an arse to the foreign lady.

"Heheheheeheheheheh. You gotta have a LAUGH, ain't ya? heheheheheheheh."
"Come on love, smile already."
"Hey look, it's that guy off Eastenders!"

The customer he was referring to (who admittedly did look a bit like the guy off Eastenders) wasn't amused, so I considered calling a senior down in case he kept this behaviour up. He didn't, for now, so I served the foreign lady who looked a bit annoyed. Cue random guy getting the treatment.

"God, everyone's so miserable today."
"I'm happy! Look at me! I'm ON TOP OF THE WORLD! Heheheheheh."

He wasn't drunk. Maybe he was on something, who knows. I serve random guy, and numpty now has now playmate. Aww. Poor numpty. He settles for tapping his foot a lot, and then finally.. he reaches me. Turns out he'd bought a CD from one of the other checkouts, and as such needed to come to the kiosk to collect the actual disk. If we kept them in the cases, they'd last about five minutes. So off I go, looking through the box for his album. The Arctic Monkeys one, in case you were curious.

Disc in the case, receipt gets signed, done. Numpty already has a Roys bag, so I presume he'll be putting it in there. So I hand him the CD, and that's that... or not.

"I want a bag, you know."

Eh, fair enough. So I start to get him a bag, and...

"Don't take the piss."
"Erm.. I'm sorry?"
"Don't take the fucking piss with me."

Clearly a well adjusted individual. Right, what does Roys Training 101 state I should do right now? Oh yeah.

"Please don't be abusive with me, sir."
"It's your job to put it in a bag for me. Get me a fucking bag."
"I'm doing that already...?"
"Well, yeah, but it's your JOB."
"There's bags on the top of the checkout, too."

In hindsight, that might not have been a wise comment.

"Don't try and be clever with me, you fucking twat."
"Please stop being abusive."
"You want me to be fucking abusive? I can get a whole fucking lot more abusive than that. Twat."

A quick look around showed that the only workers nearby were Lynne, Angkhana and Maureen. Good workers all, but even if this became four-on-one.. with those teams? I'd fancy the chances of the one. Even if we avoided 'Black Ninja Style'. Okay, reinforcements.

"If you continue to threaten me, I'll have to call a senior."

And then came the ROYS FIRST for me. The first time that I have ever, in my time at that godforsaken company, been told that...

"You come the otherside of that fucking kiosk, and I'll fucking knock you right out, prick."

So knowing now that I'm dealing with someone who goes from zero to threatening-asshole in about thirty seconds, I do the only thing that someone in my situation can really do. I go the other side of the kiosk, and knock him out myself.

Wait, no. I do the emergency staff call over the kiosk, and watch as nearly the whole store staff descends towards the front of the shop. The guy picks up his CD and receipt (in the new shiny bag I just put them in) and walks out of the store.. stopping only to unleash the following torrent of inexcusable abuse from the entranceway:

"You numpty."

Which is handy, because up until that point I was having a hard job christening him. But NO MORE! After talking to other workmates afterwards, I now know he was also being an arse to Kay, Lucy, Lynne, and various other customers in the store while he was around. I also got cute woman who used to work in the Uni newsagent to help out providing details of what he looked like, so he'd be recognised by management if he came back. So yeah, she was nice. Bless her. But.. yeah.

At least he made for an interesting day.

Numpty.

Unwanted Randomness

Well, this is bizarre. A few short hours ago, I was deadly against the idea of writing this entry. And yet now, here I am. Writing it. I mean, it's not like sudden spur-of-the-moment decisions on a Sunday are a rarity for me (as I'll get to shortly), but I think that kinda sums up how messed up my head is right now. Again. Oh, how I long for the day when my head gets in some kind of order..

First, given I appreciate that not many people actually know it, some back story. Just over one year ago, a girl called Lucy started working at Roys on Sundays. We became good friends fairly quickly, mainly down to having similar senses of humour, interests, that kinda thing. Well, that and her always working on the checkout right in front of mine. She was 16, I was 22, but the age gap never really got in the way. Sunday came, we'd have a laugh for six hours, then it went and life would proceed as normal for six and three-quarter days.

But of course, you know me. Everything's fine till the feelings changed. And a few months in, I found myself 'liking' her. Still, concious that the age gap thing was a bitch, and (lets face it) controlled by inner coward, I decided to do nothing. For ages. So months passed, and my like of Lucy remained. People picked up on supposed 'mutual flirting' between us two, but I'd quickly deny everything and it wouldn't be mentioned again for a few weeks. Sometimes I'd have big ideas about doing something about my feelings.. in fact, in June last year I wrote the following:

I'm going to go about everything the right way this time. No stupid extravagant gestures, no sitting on feelings for months and months and watching as she goes off with someone else, and definitely, absolutely no telling of my feelings to any other people before I tell her myself.

Oh, if only things worked out that way, eh?

So things went on.. and on.. and on. November rolled around with the Christmas meal at work, and we got on better than ever. However, on the same evening, another drunk mate of mine called me fat. Only a passing comment, but it affected me quite badly beneath the surface. Made me reflect on everything.. my health, my relationships, still being stuck in retail after getting my degree. I decided I'd had enough. So the next day, I decided: fuck this, I'm changing.

Started a diet, which I still (just about) stick to today. A dose of eating a lot more healthily and actually bothering to exercise regularly has seen me lose nearly thirty pounds since that day. Applied for loads more jobs. Sure, I haven't actually got one outside of Roys yet, but I've applied for more already this year than in the whole of last. And my last interview was the best one I've had, too. Decided to improvise in my failing battle against hereditary hair loss (thanks, parents!) and cut my hair short. Made actual efforts to become more outgoing, to stop refusing invitations, to go out more places..

And of course, to do something about Lucy.

But the months kept coming and going, and I kept doing fuck all. Then, February. Ah, sweet blessed February from hell. Back in 2004, I decided to use a certain date in February as an excuse to 'reveal all' to Rachel (another workmate) via that most evil of customs - the valentines card. Turned up in store that Saturday, chatted with Rachel for five minutes, then plucked up the courage to steer the chatting around to the day itself... gave her the card and left quickly. Yeah, I bottled it again really. We never ended up moving past 'friends', but a couple of months later, Rach (with new found confidence that hey, some people might actually find her cute) found a boyfriend. One she's still with to this day, actually, as they're currently looking to move in together.

Two years on, it's the 12th of February, 2006. I manage to positively spin the events of two years ago in my mind, and somehow convince myself it'd be a good idea to do it ALL OVER AGAIN. Christ knows what I was thinking, really.. especially given that this time, I couldn't do the whole face-to-face bit and just had to send a card through the post to an address I shouldn't really have known. But hey, Lucy'd been complaining of a lack of cards that morning at work! It's a GREAT idea! So yeah, a card gets sent. But I don't even have the testicles to sign it. Apart from '?'.

So time passes, and Matthew stresses. Various internet friends have to put up with me asking for advice all the while.. what do I do now? Should I own up next time at work? Do I ask too many stupid questions? And bless them, for the most part, they put up with me. I decide not to tell anyone who I'm friends in real life with, lest it get out to people.

Then I tell Danielle. Who tells Daryl. Who.. eh. It's like I have a self-destruct mechanism.

Next time we're at work, she mentions it in passing. She asks if I knew who sent it. I say.. no. She keeps speculating who sent it. I randomly agree or disagree with names she puts forward. Kay asks if I did. I keep saying no. At the end of the day, Lucy asks again if I have any ideas.. I say no. She gets frustrated and goes home..

I have no balls.

So either due to being sympathetic to her frustrations, or wanting to detonate the whole sorry mess already, I write Lucy a fairly nice letter explaining the whole thing, and confessing it was me. Confessing my feelings for her into the bargain.. but once again being a coward and deciding to throw an 'I don't expect to be anything more than friends, really' in there for good measure. So much for those new ambitions, eh? A few days later, she sends me a text message saying that we'll always be friends and that I'm a 'great mate'. Things are a bit withdrawn for a week or two, but then we bond once more (over her insulting my crappy bowling ability) and it's as if the whole thing never happened.

Which to be fair, could be a bad thing.

So then finally, we reach present day. I'm now 23 years old, 30lbs lighter, a fair bit better looking, a lil' more confident. Lucy is 17 now, and knows that I like her but still want to be friends. And other than that? Despite me trying to convince myself otherwise.. fuck all has changed. I'm still thinking about her a lot. I still like her. The 'mutual flirting' has returned.

And this weekend, she let me know that come sometime around August, she disappears off about 300 miles away to do a course.

*sigh* So now what?

Even since February, I've never had a 'no'. I've never been told we're 'just friends', just that we ARE friends. I get told by people who are friends with both of us that heck, if I asked her out she'd probably go.. but for fear of 'disturbing the force' I leave everything alone.

But now, providing she gets on the course (which is quite likely), there's about four months maximum to go. Hopefully I get out of Roys even sooner than that, but the whole 'hundreds of miles away' thing is clearly the sticking point here. So now I wonder whether to try and push things further, so to speak, or go with my inner pessimist and think 'fuck this, let's look for someone else already'.

And the worst part? I think my heart has already settled on the former option. In the meantime, my brain is wishing it knew what my heart was going to make it do next...

Starting What I Finished

Well, I don't know. I promised myself I was going to update this here blog again today, and yet now it comes down to it, I can't really think of much to tell you all. The problem with my life as it stands at the moment is that it isn't exactly heading anywhere. Anything that seems to halfway approach a notable change ends up cycling all the way back round to the beginning so nothing happens as a result.

Examples? Well, not too long ago I had a job interview with Norwich Union (again). It was for a job that oddly enough wasn't actually that far away from Roys - about a five minute walk. But I'd have been earning £12k, rising to £19k after a while. I ended up really wanting the job, and I did a really good interview. Just over a week or so later, I get told I didn't get the job. I was close.. in fact all three of us that they interviewed were really good.. I just lost out on not having enough confidence. So now I'm back applying for every job that seems to turn up, and hoping someone gives me an interview again.

Another one? Okay. I found myself really liking someone not too far before Valentines Day, and similarly to 2004, decided for whatever reason it'd be a great idea to send them a card. I send them the card, but wuss out and do it anonymously. The next time I see them, they don't know who the card is from, and get worried. I worry too much, because THAT'S WHAT I DO, and.. wuss out again, sending a letter to them explaining all. A brief text message convo ensues. Everything seems fine, but the next few times we see each other are awkward. The awkwardness then subsides. I then don't see her for three weeks, and before you know it, the same feelings I acted on in the first place seem to be gone. So I'm once again loveless.

Work is the same as always. Staff come and go, as do the annoying customers. I could tell you the stories of the guy wanting to buy David Beckham cigarettes, or the woman wanting to buy 40 cigarettes in packs of 14, or the wacky hats that Sam has been wearing, but what's the point? They're not that far removed from what you've probably heard before.

At home, my mum got ill.. but now she's getting better. I was going on a holiday, but now I'm not. I'm still taking driving lessons, which seem to evenly split between good and bad. I've lost around twenty-five pounds total on my diet, but then I keep having good weeks and bad weeks there too.

The only thing I seem to have actively noticed via not updating this blog as much as I used to back in the olden days is that eventually, it seems every good thing counters itself straight back to a neutral level of 'meh'. Same with all the bad stuff. There's not really much progress.

Believe me, it's annoying enough to live, let alone write about. That's probably why I've spared you it all these past few months. :)

I WILL RETURN

No, seriously. I think I might just get around to posting an update on here (a proper one) some time in the quite near future. After all, there's quite a lot to update you on. Nothing that's actually HAPPENED, really, but still, a lot of updates. To update you on. In an update.

SOON.

A Promise To Myself

And if I break it, feel free to beat me over the head with a copy of this post wrapped around a brick for many, many hours.

JAYGOitvr: I will get a job before Stacey gives birth.
JAYGOitvr: That gives me.. erm.. six months.
Shaddax: Better run.
JAYGOitvr: Dammit, that's far too lax a deadline.
JAYGOitvr: I will get a job before...
JAYGOitvr: What's happening in May?
Shaddax: I have a conference to go to.
Shaddax: That's all I got.
JAYGOitvr: I'll just say 'End of May' and be done with it.

The Three Things Survey

Three Names I Go By
1. Matthew
2. Duck
3. Snugglemuffin. No, wait, that's not it...

Three Parts Of My Heritage
1. English
2. ..
3. I think that's about it.

Three Things That Scare Me
1. Lack of meaningful relationships
2. Continual employment at Roys long after my degree
3. Loud noises

Three of my everyday essentials
1. Clothing, naturally
2. Money with which to buy cheap random crap.
3. My bed. Yeah, I'm a lazy ass.

Three things I am wearing right now
1. Underwear
2. Socks
3. Watch

Three favorite bands/singers/composers (no particular order)
1. Muse
2. Lucie Silvas
3. Kelly Clarkson

Three things I want in a relationship (Love being a given)
1. The ability to talk for hours about nothing in particular
2. A shared sense of humour - though not necessarily spelt with a u
3. Mutual caring, trust and appreciation

Two truths and a lie
1. I'm happy that I told Rachel at work I liked her, despite the outcome
2. The achievement that I'm proudest of is getting my degree back in 2004
3. I buy far too many DVDs and videogames

Three physical things about women that appeal to me
1. Legs, normally of the long variety. But not skinny.
2. Eyes.
3. Smile. And being British, that's a hard one.

Three of my favorite hobbies
1. Playing videogames (for my sins)
2. Reading (though not fiction, oddly)
3. Walking (since November, anyway)

Three things I really want to do right now
1. Find a job
2. Lose more weight
3. Gain more confidence

Three places I want to go on vacation
1. New York
2. Canada
3. Australia

Three things I want to do before I die
1. Travel the world
2. Get married and have children
3. Reach the age of 65

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy
1. I grow hair on my chin, and thus have to shave
2. I have testicles
3. Oh, alright.. I randomly admire famous women for no other reason than their looks. Happy now? HUH?

Three people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Laura of Canadianness
2. Aureole, if he gets REALLY bored
3. Zoe (Twibble)

Wow, what's this?

I certainly don't know, that's for sure.

Well, it's nice to see that Blogger hasn't changed much in the year that I've been gone from it. That makes both of us. Yes, I'm STILL working in retail, still thoroughly not in a relationship, and still not doing much else exciting.

Oh, wait. I am on a diet. And I've lost fourteen pounds on that, so yay me in one respect at least. Yay!

I shall at least attempt to update this here blog more than I did before. If not in accordance with the title, then at least with a success rate of greater than 0.27%. So - STAY TUNED.